Supporting non-binary friends
When it comes to supporting your friend, you have gotten Step 1 right— do not expect your friend to do all the work of informing you what non-binary means. You are doing the right thing by looking for other avenues to do your homework.
However, no matter how much you read, just like not all women or not all men express or experience their gender in one exact cookie-cutter way, non-binary people also have diverse experiences of being non-binary. You can support them by creating spaces where your friend can share their experience without feeling judged and listen with an openness to learn more.
One simple way to make them feel welcome can be to stop using binary gendered language to refer to them as well as others in the space. Instead of “ladies and gentlemen”, say “everyone”; or instead of “boyfriend or girlfriend” you can say “partner”.
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us. And the world will live as one.
Sankarshan Thakur John Lennon
Getting pronouns right
If your friend has said they use they/them pronouns, an important step for supporting them through this transition will be to unlearn their old pronouns and reconfigure how you think about their gender in your mind. Here are a few simple tips to help you along the way:
- Say goodbye to ‘him’ and ‘her’: Pronouns are a way to refer to people in third person when you’re talking about them. In English, cis women are typically referred to as ‘she’ or ‘her’ and cis men as ‘he’ or ‘him’. While many languages like English and Hindi use gendered pronouns, Bengali doesn’t use any at all. In the case of your friend, you don’t have to use gendered pronouns at all. Using ‘they’ and ‘them’ when you talk about them in third person would be more comforting and affirming to them than any other pronouns.
- Confirm where and when to use their pronouns: Not every trans person will feel comfortable about being out as trans in every space and community they are part of. Check with your friend — do they want to use these pronouns in front of everyone? Or only with friends? Or only with you? Are they comfortable with you correcting mutual friends if they get the pronouns wrong?
- Apologise when you make mistakes, but not too much: Unlearning their old pronouns might be difficult, and you may make mistakes along the way. However, when you make mistakes and get upset, try not to apologise so much that your friend has to start comforting you when they are already going through the difficult experience of being misgendered. Instead, say a quick sorry and try not to make that mistake again. Similarly, if a friend corrects you, just say ‘thanks’ and move on.
- Say five nice things: Each time you get their pronouns wrong, think of five nice things in your head you would say about your friend with the right pronouns. Better still, find a friend you can practise with so that you get better at it.
Lastly, remember that while you may not know what your friend is going through, and it may feel unfamiliar to you, it is important to remind them and affirm that you will still be around for them in whatever way they need as they embark on this journey.